Viewing entries in
Journal

Comment

My Issue with Blood

We will ask God
She said
We will seek His face on your behalf
That He would extend his generous grace upon the flesh of you
That He would make all the skin and bones that would propel you
Yet maintaining your humble spirit
Healed and whole

We will ask God
She said

We will appeal to His heart
to make a blessing of your infirmity
to touch you there ever so softly
to heal the feeling of your anxiety
to tuck comfort in your ability to choose trust
Swallow your mustard seed Beloved,
You are always well

We will ask God
She said
To remind me...

As if all that we bring and all that we bear
Did not come from His yes and His Amen
But it is a blessing too when He does not agree
Because we know He who ordains our expected end
will carry us through it
And it is perfect
Clearer than our eye can see
Louder than our ear can here
More magnificent than our heart can contain

We will ask God
She said
He already heard
 

This poem was inspired by a darling, faith-full believer, who upon my (unconfirmed) news of having fibroids, responded with: We will ask God. And for whatever reason, her resolute answer inspired me to poetry. 

WARNING! Some real adult/womanhood content follows.
Anyone who reads me knows, I like to find things interesting. And I find it rather interesting that (as women) our issues flow from and through our bodies by blood shed. That our dark wombs can and will create substance of our issues and purge them out from us as blood. Interesting, that from our private spaces, unknown and unseen; from our vaginas, our infirmaties or impurities flow free.

Having experienced the heaviest and most uncomfortable menstruation of my entire life, I have never been more clear on the value, purpose, impact, and meaning of my vagina! Yup, that's what I said. To think that my issues--flow from my body--through my coochie! This one thought really encourgaes me to further scrutinize who and their issues I will allow to enter into my sacred, self correcting body. 

WORTH MENTIONING! This past month has given me an entirely new perspective on an unnamed woman in the Bible, referenced always as "the woman with the issue of blood".  While I did not suffer the stigma of being "ceremonially unclean", I certainly felt a hint of what the weight of her socail isolation could have felt like. And while I have not suffered this condition for years, my two to three weeks was more than I wanted to bear. 

It is not a good feeling to have zero control over what and how your body changes/reacts through natural causes. And it could be a stuggle adapting to a new normal. But I will not let it be. I took my time to decide that surgery is the best option for me. I will take my time to recover. And I will continue to appreciate that as I go through ups and downs, along the way, I can still be inspired to write. 

erm... It is Well

Comment

Comment

The Women Before Me and Our Demons

Saint or sinner
Saints or sinners
Pick your poison
Offer a prayer
How many of them
went to Heaven for me...


I think I thought to think...that I only, was the one adulteress in the lineage of my feminality, only to discover a distinct pathology of self-righteous infidelity. 
I sat to think and thought that only I, had committed the heaviest of sins and deviated from a heritage of holy sanctuary, to give away a sacred body to another mortal whom did not belong to me. Only to discover over hard drinks and sweet tea, that the wiles of me were innate, a passive transgression from the women who bled heavy long before me. 

Not that I want to give away the secrets buried with the dead or the secrets under the bed of the alive, but these demons were at the bedside of my creation, breathing heavy for me, long before I first to closed eyes, to form lips for a first kiss. But I would be remiss if I did not mention, I have a notice for every demon that would come to demean us, me. 

Notice to proceed--away from every corridor around my feet, every breath of air near to me. Flee! From my time. From the corners of my womb's memory and the daughter who came from within me. An eviction notice I give, to that which comes to perpetuate a promiscuous misery. To stir the extravagance of messy sheets and fantasies later draped in melancholy, for love is never birthed from unrequited affinity. 

All that to say, it is true, we repeat histories and destinies; nothing is new under the sun or the soft fall of rain. All that to say, the curses are not far behind the generations to come; we owe the liberty and beauty of transparency to every daughter coming into her self-reality. The women before me, how many of them went to heaven for me? Them, seated up there in the right hand, interceding for me. Love is ahead

erm...It is Well

Comment

Comment

A Few Lessons 2017 Gave to Me

Seven being the number of completion and eight being the number of new beginnings. It seems apropos. Happy New Beginnings. But first to celebrate the things completed. 

Last year taught me that I can be and I will be exactly what I say about me. No really. I had a few goals here and there, set a few intentions--and I saw them manifest. I met them. I lived in them. I continue to learn this lesson: I will have what I say. I like this lesson. Be mindful and intentional with the words you let our of your mouth. They become your shelter or your storm. 

Last year showed me, we, as women, are still hiding. Still little white lying about things that really matter to us for fear of looking "some type of way." What's wrong with looking some type of way? A different way. A strange way. An uncommon way. An artistic way. A desperate way, a vulnerable way, a confused way, a still figuring-it-out way. What is wrong with telling the truth and looking your way--whatever it is at the moment. Nothing. Because if you don't like the way you are being or looking, you can put away those childish ways. You can put away those selfish ways. You can put away those unattractive ways and be a God-inspired way. You can. Be as you are, in your truth, remembering there is a super to balance your natural.  Always!

Last year challenged me to be more self-aware and grow more emotionally intelligent. We are living, moving and having our being with other beings. And those other complicated beings, at any moment on any day, can be experiencing the highest point or lowest point of their being in the midst of us. Our beloveds, coworkers, friends, mutual strangers, estranged family members...can be walking around with a magnitude of problems, nervous energy, worries, ailments and anxieties. If we are not paying attention, we are missing opportunities to tap into our sensitivity. We are missing the moments when it is necessary to touch someone or help someone or save someone or just relate to someone. Consider you are God in the shape of a human. He expresses His deepest compassion and His most highest elation through a mere mortal such as you. How does it feel to be liken to an angel? You are an effect or an impact. 

Finally, 2017 reminded me to be encouraged. To stay encouraged in all things. We may plan, hope and mis-anticipate. We will get unhappy endings and undesirable results. We must. And we must get in trouble--sometime. How else do we come to know His present help? But remember, a long time ago, someone prayed for us to apprehend how wide, long, high and deep His love for us is. Somebody spoke over us to be filled to capacity with all the fullness of God, who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine. There is no room for discouragement when we are filled to the brim with Him. 

And these are just a few of the lessons I got from 2017. What important lesson learned will you bring along into your 2018? Share!

erm...It is Well

 

Comment

Comment

Love Defined

Love; the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. When we grow, it is because we are working at it, and we are working at it because we love ourselves. It is through love that we elevate ourselves. And it is through our love for others that we assist others to elevate themselves. 
Dr. Scott Peck

Unfortunately (or fortunately) as life would have it, I did not discover this meaning of love until the year I filed for divorce. And truth be told, I was in no shape to walk in this definition of love with the husband I had chosen for myself.

Funny thing is, it was until I filed for divorce did I become insatiably hungry to know the true meaning of love. I scoured myself with biblical texts and old words from sages and monks, eager to apprehend the thing called love. We've done such a fine job of tainting it--I wanted a clean, pure meaning of it. And the search continues to confound me, yet fill me full. 

I often wonder if and when I will walk out this meaning of love in my own life. That is not to say, I am not in love everyday with myself or my children, but it is to say, I wonder when I will live into this love with a mere mortal man who is inspired by God. Only time will tell and only God knows. Though I believe in my heart, He didn't endow me with with the power of love only to keep it. Inevitably, I will return it. 

What say you on the meaning of Love? 

erm...It is Well

Comment

Comment

Love and Need, A Soliloquy

Love is, in fact an intensification of life, a completeness, a fullness, a wholeness of life...
We do not become fully human until we give ourselves to each other in love.*

That's what he said.
If only to live and breath in this love, I would, I have...
given morsels of myself away in ways that have left me incomplete and missing.
My wholeness full of holes.
My intellect challenged through the encounters--empty.
My integrity diminished from the commune with the counterfeit.
And yes, this mortal life, has been intense in the most severe of ways,
to become human with one's who have not touched into the deep of their own humanity.
Those ones who disregard the heart's bleed.
And when this one has run into shell upon shell of bodies,
climbing mere husk for skin hiding shriveled beings, and hardened hearts,
where does one such as self search for love? 
Because someone told me, I came into this world to love indeed.
And with this my soul is well, but for the but...
But my soul cries out still, with who and for when? 
The answer: from the within.
I look to the intensification and gratification and actualization
for this full, robust, transformative love from none other than my within.
To encounter, respond and commune with myself.
Until...unison.
Because despite the full bloom within,
I still seek to water the bud in another...

erm...It is Well

*He who said is Thomas Merton


Comment

Comment

Permission to Launch

If you are reading this, it is because I have finally given myself permission to succeed. 
I have been birthing and nursing this site for almost three weeks. Every week I claim intently, I'm ready to launch! But right beside the claim, creeps in doubt and I get distracted with thoughts of what are YOU going to think when you see this place.  What will you say when I let you into my secret space? So I rearranged it a few too many times trying to anticipate your reaction to my flowers, my words, my design, my endeavors...Tonight I let go. 

To be completely transparent, I attempted to build this site almost one year ago. At that time, I found the process to be too complicated for my simple mind and I abandoned it. I told myself I would find someone to create and design a site for me. I shopped around for a while but never committed to any prospects and held on to my excuses.

But a very interesting phenomenon unfolded for me while procrastinating (yea I do that too). I discovered, desperation can lead to tremendous creativity.  And after attending one, two, five book events, I realized I no longer had the luxury of not having a cyber space. So every day, from midnight to the wee hours of the morning, I worked at setting up shop. Why my creativity chooses to flow free at night--I can't explain. But this here--is the product of diligence and sleepless nights. And if I do say so myself, it is worth it!

Let me add, if there is something you are working on, a vision or project you are birthing, an idea you are stagnating in procrastination, get desperate about it--and watch how your inner know-how leaps into action. Tap into your creativity. Tap into your determination. Sit patiently in the stir of your inspiration...and taste and see what boils over. It will be worth it!

But as for here and now, thank you for reading me. Please peruse the place. Take your time. After all, I did create the place with you in mind. Before you leave, share your thoughts. I'd like to know how the experience is for you. 

erm...It is Well

Comment

Comment

Journey of the Journal: on writing my memoir

"I've been journaling for many years; documenting my fleeting moments of bliss, uncertainty, angst, emptiness, love--my infinite totality. My prayers, my prose, my urgent napkin poems--I have mastered the art of recording the minutes of my life."

And one day, I decided I would share the message from the mess I've lived through. It's been a slow, painfully rewarding process. Some moments I really liked who I was, and other moments, I despised me. Some moments I didn't even recognize me. There were moments I questioned how would it feel for someone to read me. Would they see themselves through me? Would they relate to me or I to them? All these pensive moments, lost in my head, caught up in my heart, to finally get to this moment--where I am bold enough to give it away. 
I'm giving my journal away to all who want to read it. 
That is the foundation of this book.

Comment