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On the Other Side of Through

Having lived through the casualities of impatience and stubborness; the collision of pride and humility...It is good to be in this place. Having lived through the seeming permanence of loss and displacement, it is refreshing to be in this place.

This place of knowledge; this place of wisdom. This place of restoration of faith. This place of obedience and it's reward. A place of happiness and adoration for my journey. This is a place where lessons learned are remembered, consulted and applied. This place where admiration for my life is an honor, a gift to be had.

That moment when my 12 year-old daughter can say to me, I am proud of you: Priceless! To know that she pays attention and most likely has been for a long time before she could articulate her thoughts today...

Today, living in the wonderment of submission, this place of agreeing with life and the unforced, natural flow of it. This place of trusting God and seeking Him first. This is a magnificent space to be in. This is the other side of through.  

Through...(through trial and error, through suffering and struggling, through doubting and not knowning, through living)...

Today my mouth is filled with praise and laughter because now I reap in joy all that I sowed in tears. Life is so well and so worth living here on the other side of through. But you have to make it through to get to here! In case you need reminding, you can make it. 

The life I live today, I did not imagine it. It is better than the thoughts I held for myself. Far exceeds the aspirations I envisioned--and to think this is merely the beginning. 

What I know for sure, gratitude is attractive. It was good for me to have suffered for a while, for He has establisehd me and perfected my way. Grace is real. Miracles are for us. Life is beautiful. 

erm...It is Well

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My Issue with Blood

We will ask God
She said
We will seek His face on your behalf
That He would extend his generous grace upon the flesh of you
That He would make all the skin and bones that would propel you
Yet maintaining your humble spirit
Healed and whole

We will ask God
She said

We will appeal to His heart
to make a blessing of your infirmity
to touch you there ever so softly
to heal the feeling of your anxiety
to tuck comfort in your ability to choose trust
Swallow your mustard seed Beloved,
You are always well

We will ask God
She said
To remind me...

As if all that we bring and all that we bear
Did not come from His yes and His Amen
But it is a blessing too when He does not agree
Because we know He who ordains our expected end
will carry us through it
And it is perfect
Clearer than our eye can see
Louder than our ear can here
More magnificent than our heart can contain

We will ask God
She said
He already heard
 

This poem was inspired by a darling, faith-full believer, who upon my (unconfirmed) news of having fibroids, responded with: We will ask God. And for whatever reason, her resolute answer inspired me to poetry. 

WARNING! Some real adult/womanhood content follows.
Anyone who reads me knows, I like to find things interesting. And I find it rather interesting that (as women) our issues flow from and through our bodies by blood shed. That our dark wombs can and will create substance of our issues and purge them out from us as blood. Interesting, that from our private spaces, unknown and unseen; from our vaginas, our infirmaties or impurities flow free.

Having experienced the heaviest and most uncomfortable menstruation of my entire life, I have never been more clear on the value, purpose, impact, and meaning of my vagina! Yup, that's what I said. To think that my issues--flow from my body--through my coochie! This one thought really encourgaes me to further scrutinize who and their issues I will allow to enter into my sacred, self correcting body. 

WORTH MENTIONING! This past month has given me an entirely new perspective on an unnamed woman in the Bible, referenced always as "the woman with the issue of blood".  While I did not suffer the stigma of being "ceremonially unclean", I certainly felt a hint of what the weight of her socail isolation could have felt like. And while I have not suffered this condition for years, my two to three weeks was more than I wanted to bear. 

It is not a good feeling to have zero control over what and how your body changes/reacts through natural causes. And it could be a stuggle adapting to a new normal. But I will not let it be. I took my time to decide that surgery is the best option for me. I will take my time to recover. And I will continue to appreciate that as I go through ups and downs, along the way, I can still be inspired to write. 

erm... It is Well

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The Women Before Me and Our Demons

Saint or sinner
Saints or sinners
Pick your poison
Offer a prayer
How many of them
went to Heaven for me...


I think I thought to think...that I only, was the one adulteress in the lineage of my feminality, only to discover a distinct pathology of self-righteous infidelity. 
I sat to think and thought that only I, had committed the heaviest of sins and deviated from a heritage of holy sanctuary, to give away a sacred body to another mortal whom did not belong to me. Only to discover over hard drinks and sweet tea, that the wiles of me were innate, a passive transgression from the women who bled heavy long before me. 

Not that I want to give away the secrets buried with the dead or the secrets under the bed of the alive, but these demons were at the bedside of my creation, breathing heavy for me, long before I first to closed eyes, to form lips for a first kiss. But I would be remiss if I did not mention, I have a notice for every demon that would come to demean us, me. 

Notice to proceed--away from every corridor around my feet, every breath of air near to me. Flee! From my time. From the corners of my womb's memory and the daughter who came from within me. An eviction notice I give, to that which comes to perpetuate a promiscuous misery. To stir the extravagance of messy sheets and fantasies later draped in melancholy, for love is never birthed from unrequited affinity. 

All that to say, it is true, we repeat histories and destinies; nothing is new under the sun or the soft fall of rain. All that to say, the curses are not far behind the generations to come; we owe the liberty and beauty of transparency to every daughter coming into her self-reality. The women before me, how many of them went to heaven for me? Them, seated up there in the right hand, interceding for me. Love is ahead

erm...It is Well

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Love Lingers

Therefore, do not fight in your within
wrestling to unlearn the art of it;  
un-loving won't work 

Love lingers therefore, 
to bridge our disconnects, 
to keep us gentle in the rough
and merciful in the mess of things 

Accept that Love lingers
to remind us of our long forgotten selves
when we were just babes in the belly of life
long before we learned to suckle words
and starve feelings 

We were always born of a love undefiled
with a passionate purpose

Love lingers to keep us human 

erm...It is Well

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Ways to Healing & Happiness

Because every broken heart needs mending, 
every hurting spirit needs healing and
every wounded women needs wholeness. 

Healing and Happiness are your birthrights. 
Along the road to healing and happiness, here are a few things you can do and a few ways you can be to stay on your best path. 

1. Be grateful for your feelings! 
Why? Because your feelings are for you. They belong to you and they serve you. Your feelings urge you and remind you; they prompt you, they pause you. But most importantly, they connect you to your Father God. God is touched by the feeling of your infirmity. He is touched by your tears, your heartbreak. Imagine, the condition of your heart, your sad countenance--conditions Him. He feels for you. And like the wonderful, compassionate Father, comes down from His throne to comfort you, to champion for you, and to contain you. 
Your feeling is how healing comes. God is the source of your ultimate healing and wholeness. However once you have honored and processed them, get out of your feelings and get into your future. Make it happen for yourself: moment by moment, faith to faith. 

2. Do not be angry; do not be bitter. Be amiable; be beauty--to yourself. 
Because when you forgive yourself, you get freedom. Freedom to be you! The God-made you not the man-said you. Contrary to popular belief, you will never run out of your essence. It is impossible to give your whole self away. You have not run out of love. You have not run out of kindness, compassion or devotion. These are your primary ingredients; your purposeful fillings. Remove the decay and clutter from the years of living, to uncover the original you. You are sweet and deserving. You are beauty unparalleled, You are more than amazing. You are altogether beautiful, Beloved. There is no flaw in you. You are priceless. Literally. 
Stand on that truth. You are worth life and loving. Develop an inner scripture to affirm so. (i.e. I am the beloved child of God. I am one with my undivided love). 

3. Do not look back. We are all familiar with the unfortunate end of Lot's wife. Stuck...
We are not called to live in the tombs of our memories. We are not called to dance in the shadows with fallen ghosts. We are not called to envy the visions of yesterday, nor make pretty a painful past. We are called to live every moment--in the moment. 
Cliche: Now is all you have. But it is. So Now--happiness. So Now--laughter. So Now--celebrate. So Now--love yourself. So Now--savor your soul. So Now: joy, vacation, new choices, appreciation, different perspectives...schedule your pleasures Now.
So NOW--not I can't wait until... 

But NOW. Put your Needs Over your Wants and be well! 
Needs Over Wants. You Need five essentials to survive:
Air--breathe, inspire yourself daily. Look to the things that inspire your life, your love, your creativity, your happiness. And breath them in. 
Shelter--guard your heart. But do not close it. Do not block it. Guard it but let life flow through it. You can handle it. Be your safe haven. 
Water--hydrate your body. Soak your spirit with living water. Plenish your soul with the spiritual practices to keep you balanced. 
Food--eat right. Energize yourself. Eat the foods that boost your health and energy. 
Sleep--rest. Rest your weary self. Rest your whole self to restore your whole self. You deserve to recuperate to be ready to keep living. 

erm...It is Well

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Incline to Love

The years of tears left scars, left her praying to the stars, a heart ajar with God, a beautiful reservoir...of sullied love and a sweet resurrection...

These days thoughts come to me as fragments and incomplete sentences. Nothing full enough to bloom. Only fragments and incomplete sentences, fractured at the very moment of their birth. 

Experience the mind of a writer.  Some days my thoughts are whimsical and want to speak of full moons fancy with blue and blood, a scientific phenomenon or mesmerizing aphrodisiac to mere mortals setting into a perfect sunset, loving after the sun falls into an abyss. 

And other times, the thoughts are philosophical, imploring the hungry heart to cleave to the love already apprehended for us. Already mourned over. Already resurrected. And I find themes in certain words that like to keep coming back to me for use here and there. 

But most of all my incomplete companions emerge to speak of love unknown. I carry words that yearn to learn the substance of love.  It is my favorite subject.  The kind of love which holds us at gunpoint, pleading to please the gunman. The kind that keeps us as a prisoner of hope in the clutch of love's calling.  The sacred love that lays beside us to uncover our nakedness and consecrate us...Love is my muse. Love is my motivation, my inclination, like sunflowers incline toward sky's radiant blue. 

The month is February, the month of love for most. Let us celebrate love. The enigma of it together with the fullness of it. Let us celebrate all the ways it comes to us, all the ways it heals us, the ways it covers us, breaks us, mends us and molds us. Let us celebrate the ones who come to give it to us, the ones who withhold it and the ones who come to revive it in us. Let us honor love as who we are and what we came here to do. Let us be love. Let us create love. Let us command love to abide in our hands and hearts. Let us love. 

erm...It is Well

 

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To Every Woman who Marries a Baby Daddy

Now I realize, that some have become accustomed to my usage of a special type of rhythm, a distinct type of flow, a manipulation of language that consequences the senses. But every once in a while, I gotta shed poetry, and remind a person or two, that a chick is straight out of the Brooklyn zoo! 

Because now that we are recycling men, it has become evident, there are matters that need to be addressed from a woman to a woman. I want to be kindly authentic in my delivery and give it to you hardcore raw. Cause a man can't impart this to you like I do. 

Woman, allow me to remind you, what you are called for. You are a pillar and not of salt--but of purpose. You are the pillar of strength, creativity, passion and sweet feminine authority. You should know you have the audacity and capacity to influence and drive your man. Yes you do. You are the help meet, the extraordinary flesh and bone of him, deliberately created to surround him, aid him, provide his succor and gird him. So let me break that down for you. 

While you for your man, you not about his foolishness. You pull him out of every muck and mire that would try to overtake him. You are in agreement with your man's agenda, but not when his agenda hurts his platform, his heritage or his destiny. You are called to hold him up, especially at those moments when he wants to trip and fall over the menial stuff. You don't stoop down with him in the gravel. You are an inspiration, inspire him to breath higher. 

Because he who finds a wife, finds a good thing--and you are a good thing, practicing good things, producing good things, giving good things to your man! But it doesn't stop there. He finds you and obtains favor from the Lord. Not the kind of favor that prefers one kid over the other. Nor the kind of favor that encourages the mistreatment of the innocents. (The children are always the innocents). But the kind of favor that blesses, serves, loves and protects.

Therefore Woman, when the man you call husband, wants to withhold time, emotions and tangible items from his seed, do not encourage that! 

When the man you call husband, who is called father, uses his mouth to degrade the mother of his seed--within the ears of the seed--do not justify that! 

And when the man you call husband, honey, "bea", "boo", undermines the character of the woman who furthered his progeny, do not support that, protect that or participate in that! We ought not shelter ignorance.

Because don't ever get to thinking you are some-kind-of-special, like umm a unicorn, that you can't one day catch it! That it--is not a formula made just for me. You are not exempt from his rage and wrath just cause you running the water for his bath--tonight. Don't think when he get ready to exact revenge, it will over look you or pardon the seed that fell from you...Stupidity does not discriminate. What you don't correct in him, he will give to you, eventually, ultimately, sooner than maybe. 

And furthermore, don't think you are better than me. You're not. You are a different me. It's just your turn to learn and tame the beast that would want to claim him and destroy you, eliminate your family. 

So on Sunday, when your husband, aka baby daddy wants to send his son home in the same clothes he arrived in on Friday, un-laundered--down to the undergarments--think about how much love you are demonstrating when you facilitate that transaction. (Not to mention the lesson of hygiene you are giving him).

And next Friday, when your husband aka my baby daddy pisses you off--don't misplace that anger or that smart mouth on my boy. Keep your adult aggression and conversation in the bedroom with your boo. Again--think about how much love is in that transaction. (Not to mention, the lesson of conflict resolution).

Or on any random day, if my boy should hit the nerve your husband been trampling over--you know, cause the boy is being a kid--do not discipline him. You can't lay down the law if you don't lay down the love! 

And finally, when you feel a little overwhelmed, a little disgusted, a little-whole-lot like you want to give up, because you might after a night of arguing about the same ole thing...don't disrespect yourself or your man in the presence of my son. Don't give that to him. Because everything you are doing is an imprint in my son's roadmap to manhood. 

So Women, since you voluntarily marring baby daddies--stay in your role. Stepmom--step up your love. Step up your patience. Step up your compassion, step up your faith, step up your kindness, step up your attitude, your decision making, your conflict resolution, your homemaking skills...Step up in your virtues. 

We are neither pigeons or chickens as some would purport. We are eagles soaring, mounting our wings to help each other up--and that includes the baby mommas!  

Sincerely, 
Your Husband's Baby Momma

erm...It is Well

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